I was afraid of this.  Her life-despite her shitty marriage, which was really shitty-turned out not only better than I expected, but in my warped mind, seems to have turned out better than mine.  I know that mine really did turn out better than I could have ever hoped for, but I guess maybe I was hoping to find that she fell flat on her face.  She is going to college-something that I know she’d always wanted to do-something I had once wanted to do but just couldn’t ever find time or money to do it.  Now I have no desire to do so.  I just don’t feel the need to do it.  I have nothing to prove and won’t gain anything from it professionally.  She managed to find a way to finally take that cruise she’d always, ALWAYS wanted to go on-we are still trying to figure out how to swing a 2nd honeymoon for our 10th anniversary next year.  She works part time and was able to do that-Hubs and I work full time but thanks to a long, drawn out custody battle may have to put it off a little longer.  We are doing better than ok, but with a kid going to an out of state BAU, an exotic vacation isn’t going to happen, at least not just yet.  And here is the really sick part-I found a few pics of her online (I know, I know-I’ve crossed over to near stalking at this point).  One pic shows that she gained a LOT of weight.  Hee.  Then she tells me that thanks to what her doctors think was a mild heart attack, she lost 70 pounds and is still going.  I was always the thinner one.  I always felt better about myself when I was with her, knowing that no matter how big I got, I was still thinner than her.  I found her pic on Facebook and she looks fantastic.  How sick is that?  I’ve always been insecure about my weight even though Hubs loves me just the way I am.  Instead of just enjoying how good my life is and how blessed I’ve been, I’m becoming depressed because she has managed to lose all that weight and I haven’t.  And it took a heart attack for her to do it.  Instead of being all freaked out that someone my age nearly died because of being obese, I’m pissed off that she lost weight and looks better than I do.  She looks great and I feel like a fat cow.  And now I really don’t want to see her because it will just eat at me that I look like like this and she looks fantastic.  I don’t even really care about all the other stuff-college, cruise…I’m pissed and depressed about this one thing.

I think I need help.  I definitely need to quit obsessing over her facebook picture.  It only makes me want to cry.  I know it is up to me to do something about my weight.  I took Gordon for a walk yesterday, but the weather is so humid today and I can’t risk an asthma attack.  So while a severe health scare was the motivator for her to do something about her weight, fear of a severe health problem is keeping me from doing something about mine.